Don't Judge A Blog By It's Cover

I guess, that someone out there is wondering why I haven't written since I came home from China. If you think for one second that this has been easy, think again. The trip to China with Julie and her son Weston was amazing. We laughed from the time we pulled out of BWI and then all the way through China. But, in between the laughs there was alot of tears and pain. Pain from leaving my Luna and Sole behind knowing that they could not possibly comprehend what was happening. Pain from watching ZenXiao cry for her "home" and her friends (the orphanage). Pain from the burns on the bottoms of her feet that still do not have an explanation. Pain from her standing in the hotel room with her face up to the sky balling her eyes out and begging for someone or someplace that was not with me. The days were amazing and filled with fun but, the nights were torturous. It came to a point that she was crying for home and I was crying for my home. I felt like I wanted to run home to the children that love me and a husband who had NO clue what was about to hit our family. I wore sunglasses day and night to hide the tears from her. Tears of uncertainty and fear. I longed for my family and so did Zen. I had to keep telling myself that anywhere was better than where she was and that she doesn't understand that yet. Zen didn't know who her mother was Julie or myself. It was so easy for Julie to love her because she wasn't going to change her life. Thank God that Julie was a rock and even Weston was so much help. I think that she thought that the 4 of us were a family. She called us both mother and we had to keep telling her over and over and over that Julie was Ayi Mama (her Aunt). Her teeth bled for the first few days and she had lots of bruises and bangs. She was totally out of control the day I got her. She was running all over the place and she was so loud. The look on Julies face said it all. She hugged me and kissed me and called me Mama, she played with her doll that I forced Julie to bring to China in her suitcase. (It was a little big). Everyday, she changed a little, testing us and getting comfortable. She ate like a garbage disposal and still does. She is so solid that I could not carry her. I did and so did Julie all over China. Weston did his share of carrying too. I tried to think back to how this all started and why I wanted her so very much. The Orphanage fed me crumbs and lies through the past 9 months. They even sent me a birthday picture and told me that she drew it for me, when in reality she cannot write or draw. She makes little circles with a pen and that is about it. She has no idea how to play with toys, she doesn't know her name and she thinks she is 2 years old. All of this is because of lack of opportunity to learn these things. She is so smart and she tries so hard. She has picked up so much English already and she says the words really well. She came to me with only a little plastic tweety bird bag that I had sent her, a photo album with our family pictures in it and a plastic cell phone. She was wearing a outfit that I had sent to her and shoes from the orphanage. She also had an orange Hello Kitty sweater that I will keep tucked away. I sent her so many toys and clothes and shoes but she came with only her little bag. She held on to the bag and everything in it as if it was her only possessions. It was her only possessions, up to this point. If it got out of sight or if anything was missing we had to desperately search for it or she would lose her mind. The paperwork, legal work and endless appointments jaded the trip and the enjoyment of meeting her. Her doctors appointment where we (julie) held her down while they injected her with 6 vaccinations and a TB test. The travel group that we finally met up with the last week of the trip was not too excited about us and I guess thought my adoption was a joke because I wasn't travelling with my Husband. We parted from them after the first night and did our own thing. The endless money and gifts that HAD to be given to certain people were so much pressure. I actually was told that I had to buy a box of chocolate for the Notary Public. I should be a Notary Public in China if there is chocolate involved. I tried to starve myself to death in China and for the first 3 days I returned home. I could not even look at food. I was so exhausted and dehydrated that my body gave out and I suffered from muscle cramps in the backs of my legs that felt like driving knives when i tried to walk. ZenXiao did not sleep at all for the first 4 days. She screamed all night and cried. She loved Manuel from the minute she met him and the feeling was very mutual. She also loved her Aunts my Mother and Manuel's Father along with the builder, the plumber, and anyone else that crossed her path. ZenXiao is an amazing child and she is also a very BIG WHINER! The poor little thing whines about everything. She is so afraid of us leaving her she wont let us out of her sight. It took a few days for the girls to warm up to her and understand that she is now a permanent part of our family. Luna is really starting to enjoy her company and Sole is pretty fascinated with her but interacts with her briefly throughout the day which is pretty good considering that Sole is a one man show. The really difficult thing is that my girls like to chill out and watch their videos or play games on the computer but, Zenxiao has no clue how to relax. She just keeps walking around and around. I am finding things that she enjoys and slowly getting her engaged in different activities. Her favorite activity is Manuel and I.For the first 4 days, she would not sleep. We were at wits end. I would have to go downstairs with her and try to stop her from screaming and crying. I was so tie rd I felt like I could not go on. I have never stopped during the day and taken a break on the couch and I could only lay there like a zombie for 3 days. Everyday she makes a little bit more progress and she seems to calmer in general. There are things that I NEVER expected. I never expected to fall apart on the trip, I never expected her to be such a happy and playful child but at the same time meltdown with fear. She did not trust that I would stay with her, in fact she was afraid every time Julie or I separated from her. She wanted the group to remain in place or she would freaked. She would not sleep in China either, as soon as bed time rolled around she started to cry. I would get in bed and she would stand next to it shoving my purse into me as if to say GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW! Even now, if I go to get something out of my purse, she starts to cry, thinking I am leaving her. It was so hard on all of us, being stuck in the hotel room with a screaming child. Luckily we got separated on the flight home. Julie and Weston's seats were far away from ours, so we had 14 hours for her to realize she was with me. I think Julie and Weston needed the break anyway. I needed the break too, but that wasn't happening. I kept wondering to my self, would anything ever be the same again. We flew in at 5pm and didn't get home until almost midnight. So the welcome to your new home/its time to go to bed, didn't go to smooth. I had hoped to get home during the day so she could acclimate to the house and everyone in it. So, like everything else, we got the hard road. It has been 1 week today since we returned home. She is a different child already. Not to be confused with a child that has adjusted. She follows me everywhere I go. We even have to kiss while I am on the potty. She is in between the countertop and myself while I try to get ready in the morning, she goes up the stairs every time I do, except she goes very slow and she cries because I am already upstairs and she is not. She also has to eat everything anyone else is eating, even if she is not hungry. She does prefer water over other drinks and she loves sweets. I bathe her separately from the girls or with just Sole because Luna wasn't ready for that yet. Luna has been so sweet to ZenXiao, she did and still does size her up by staring at her. Luna tries to play with her and that is amazing for me to see. They have had a few moments of fun on thier own, but they are brief. ZenXiao could hardly walk straight when I got her. Her legs were weak and she walks like a little old lady and she also runs like one. Since we got home, she has learned to go up and down the stairs and she actually runs around the downstairs with Luna. Sole is another story, Zen's whine drives her crazy. Sole doesn't want anyone to cry, it makes her so upset and she cant talk so she cant say be quiet to her so she just starts to cry too or she has patted her on the back and said, OK OK. For Sole that is just amazing considering she has very few words. I have felt like I will go crazy in the house this week so I have tried to go anywhere else I can. We have been to Julies house and my 3 played with her 3 and they had so much fun. It seemed perfect when we were there. Today I realized that ZenXiao doesnt like quiet moments. She is happiest when there a alot of people and things are in caos. Maybe it is because that is how it was at the orphanage but, I will never know the truth about her first 5 1/2 years. I wonder if she was a favorite and that is why she whines all the time to be held. I somehow doubt that there was anytime for favorites at the orphanage. So up until today, things have been pretty rough. Today started out whiny but ended up really good. I enjoyed her company and she showed a little independence. She left the room I was in and actually played in the playroom and she found a little plastic blowdryer that makes noise and she pretended to dry her hair in the bathroom. She was imitating me ofcourse. I tell her constantly, ZENXIAO STOP WHINING! I say it about 850 times a day. I know she doesn't understand English but let me tell you she understands that now. She is the most loving and affectionate child I have ever met. She won her Grandfather over in 2 minutes and my Mother too. She loves attention. She has the most beautiful silky black hair I have ever seen. When I took her to get her hair cut in China, she loved it. She has such a pretty face and a great smile. The first day I got her Julie said "you have won the lottery". Zen has transitioned through so many things so fast. She left the orphange and her family there, she adjusted to Julie Weston and I. She changed her diet almost immediately and she potty trained on the Western potty within a week. In China they have squatty pottys and sitting on our toilets was frightening to her. She tried to hold herself for days at a time so she wouldn't have to go in the bathroom. Since we have been home she happily gets right on the potty and goes. She has figured out that we are her family and that it is okay for Manuel to leave for work. The time change was literally day and night and I think her body knows whats going on now. She still cries when we leave Julie but I feel like crying too when we leave Julie. She makes having 3 kids look so easy and I know it is not. I am hoping for her to continue to progress in every way and for me to be a good Mother to her. I love to look in the rearview mirror of the car and see those 3 precious faces in their car seats. Sole waited 3 days to let me back into her world, she was very very angry at me for leaving her. When I got home from the airport that night, I went into her room and woke her up. I was on my knees beside her bed crying and she looked at me, pointed to the door and said GO OUT! She has finally gotten over it and Luna my little angel was so happy to see me. We stayed physically glued together and I even went and got in her bed a couple times because I felt so safe there. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring for us but I do know that we have been blessed. I love my 3 girls dearly and soon we will not ever remember what it was like without her. It was very similar to giving birth to a new child, you know that feeling the day you are leaving the hospital and you are so overwhelmed with fear and exhaustion. Then you get home and you realized how easy it was before you added this child and the whole time you were thinking how hard it was when you just had 1. It is the same in so many ways, you cant go to the bathroom, you cant shower, you cant eat, you cant do any of the things you enjoy because there is not a minute in the day to spare for yourself. Your health and hunger is tended to last and you never get a good nights sleep again. It is funny how you forget all of those things as your child grows up. (I will post more to this every chance I get until I have told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth)